Blau's Blog

Happy winter! I am now a pumpkin.

Date: [14th Dec 2024]
Categories: [Medical]

I have two close-to-done blog posts. I've got a bunch of things on this site that I'd like to tweak or fix (the off-site embeds have been particularly naughty). I've got a whole nother website that's about 50% done that I'd like to work on so it can go live. I've got some VRChat avatar stuff I'd like to poke at. I've got some mesh projects that I'd like to clean up and get set in Second Life and learn how to make them into prefabs for VRChat. I've got a few Second Life scripting projects that I've been sitting on, trying to figure out the logic to use.

So many projects! So what have I been working on?

Making a ridiculous base in Minecraft.

Not to disparage Minecraft here, our server's a blast and I'm enjoying tinkering with things, re-learning Mekanism, learning Create and making terrifying machines (my next stretch project is a nuclear reactor). And, honestly with irl stress going on, I feel like I deserve the break from working on things to just do something peaceful.

But, like. I would like to work on some of the things above. But I can't push myself to. If I try, I just end up staring at the blog post page, or the Unity window, or whatever's open. If I'm not in Minecraft, I'm just cycling between 3 tabs in Waterfox, despite nothing new happening on any of them. Hell, half the time I'm in Minecraft I'm just staring at a wall or walking in circles around my base. Good chunk of the time I'm just staring at the screen, brain blank save a loading cursor.

This is what winter (and late fall / early spring) has been like for the past several years for me. It's been getting worse. Despite keeping the apartment on the warmer side, despite staying indoors most of the time¹, any small chill sucks the energy right out of me. I get some relief if I bundle myself up with as many warm clothes as I can, but that's really not comfortable or feasible most of the time.

I've been iron deficient since they started doing blood draws on me in 2003. My red blood cells have shown signs of it for nearly that entire time - smaller than normal (microcytosis² with a bigger range of cell sizes than there should be. My iron screens have also shown this, with my iron levels being low, transferrin³ saturation being low, and iron binding capacity being on the high-normal side. (There was a brief period around 2019 where my readings were more in the normal range, but they've since dropped again. Looking back, I don't really know what caused that boost, unless the gnarly depression I was in most of the year had something to do with it.)

At last blood draw, my hemoglobin⁴ dropped below normal, which finally hit the diagnostic criteria for iron-deficiency anemia. Cool. So what do we do about it?

Iron pills. That's... that's about it, right now. They have high-dose iron mixed with vitamin C, which helps iron absorb, that I've been taking, but the side effects (bad nausea and rust burps) make it really hard to be consistent.

Thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not absorbing the pills very well if at all. Mom, prior to the leukemia⁵, also had iron-deficiency anemia. For reasons unknown⁶, her body did not absorb any oral iron. Every few years, she needed to get an infusion of iron to refresh her body's stores.

I have a suspicion I have, or am developing, a similar issue. I am however in the very fun "getting the doctors to listen to you" hell. Last winter, I tried to push them to figure something out so that I could. like. function. and their best suggestions were to take iron supplements and start taking Wellbutrin, because it's a vague stimulant and gives you energy. I declined the Wellbutrin at the time (I didn't want to be on more psych meds and was mildly insulted at the suggestion), but ended up starting it a bit later in the year for non-iron related reasons⁷, and. Yeah. Yeah it does give you energy. It's been a blessing for helping wrangle my brain into working on things instead of AuDHD bouncing around looking for dopamine. But it's winter again, and it's not helping.

The other question is, am I just not absorbing the iron, or am I losing it faster than I'm bringing it in? Which is a very valid question and should also be investigated. I have been on estrogen pills to stop my cycles for nearly 3 years, so that source of iron loss shouldn't be an issue anymore. Occult (hidden) gastrointestinal bleeds are another common source; they do want me to get an endoscopy, but I had a gnarly reaction to the prep meds and haven't been able to reschedule due to post-procedure transportation issues.

My next primary care visit is in May. I know they wanted me to be on iron for a while before they look into this again. I'm hoping that they'll take me more seriously this time. I don't really have high hopes, but, hey, gotta have something.

Anyway, yeah, it's winter, and I am now a pumpkin. As much as I would like to get things done, it's very hard right now, and it will be for a few months. I'm trying.