where the hell have i been

Posted on Monday August 24th, 2026 with tags post, life updates

~~~

it feels like it's been much longer than 5 months since my last post. i should probably say something here. uhhh

burnout and depression, the wombo combo made in hell

i have been being pummeled by both autistic burnout and depression for a hot minute, especially after Events™ earlier this year. the burnout is always there, but the depression comes and goes. i feel bad having not updated this in so long, but my brain's been running on fumes and when i do get a drop of gas to work with i gotta use it on higher priority items.

i was pretty excited earlier this year to finally start getting my own paycheck and not have to keep asking for help with my bills each month, but thanks to the aforementioned Events™ i ended up getting one paycheck before we lost access to the caregiver waiver program i was getting paid through. there does not seem to be an alternative - i've reached out to home health places and they can't do anything without a waiver, which we can't get at the moment. what a world where getting $50 odd over income limit due to something out of your control means you lose half your healthcare and get to pay an extra $200/mo for what's left, and nobody can do anything except give you those painful empathy looks, which, i appreciate that they seem to care, but people caring doesn't really tangibly help, which is what's really needed here. alas.

that's what's mostly been happening the past couple months. a steady ongoing stream of paperwork and disappointment. honestly, this is the big one on why i've not been posting quite so much here, or doing any kind of updates. i've just had nigh on 0 energy to deal with anything that isn't either high priority or "keeping myself together", and hell even the high priority stuff gets pushed back. i've been sitting on a phone call for like three weeks because stuff keeps happening and by the time i'm done dealing with it, i don't have the energy to make the call, or it's too late in the day.

the fun part about depression is that i don't always catch when it's happening. it likes to show up gradually. so i'll just be sitting around feeling godawful, my brain will be folding in on itself in new and interesting ways, and i'm just here like huh, well, this sucks but it's how it is i guess. and just not clock that it's a depressive episode until it's almost over and i start to feel a little better.

there's also the pmdd, which is. extra fun. i'm on hormones specifically to stop the cycles so i don't get the pmdd anymore, and they do mostly work, but my singular remaining ovary is a fiery little shit and the meds i've been on for a while aren't working as well as they used to. my doc has some ideas for new meds to try, that would more directly shut things down for a while, but insurance is being a pissass about it, so we gotta look for further alternatives. ultimately - especially since the meds we're discussing are ones you should really not be on for extended periods of time if you can help it - the solution would be to remove my remaining ovary and just be on hormones like i am now, so it's a consistent, steady rate of them. but that is a surgery that i am unable to get done with my life situation as it is right now.

burnout is extra fun because even when i'm not in a depressive episode, i still don't have the energy to get stuff done! i want to do the things, i just can't. i just want to rest. but resting isn't super restorative for autistic burnout. it helps, but the core thing is to adjust responsibilities and demands so when you get back at it, you don't get burnt out again. which is something i am not able to do, in part for reasons above, with the waiver.

i always feel the need to apologize for not keeping stuff like this updated, even when there's absolutely no pressure for me to. aside from the self-imposed pressure from seeing Posts On The Timelines that tell the nonspecific reader that they should update their website and i go "yeah i should probably do that" and then end up not having the brain bandwidth and repeat ad nauseam

anyway what else have i been doing

books books books books

been trying to get more into reading again. i used to read a ton when i was younger but i haven't for quite some time. feels good to feed my brain again.

i have been picking up a bunch of books off of thriftbooks because they're mostly all hella cheap, and i highly prefer physical books to ebooks if i can get em. i've got a decent backlog to work through now. mom's been devouring the ones she orders. there are so many books here now. it's nice. though we desperately need some bookshelves and don't really have the spare to go ordering any, and i haven't gotten out to any thrift shops with furniture, so they're just kinda... stacked up wherever they'll fit, lol

i read house of leaves, finally - finished the main chunk of the book about a month ago, still got the appendices to finish up but i need to give my brain a little break. very good book, very fun experience. rearranged my neurons a bit.

course the fun part is that when i'm ordering physical books online, i tend not to check the page count, which is fun, i like longer books and i like the surprise when they get here, but i'm building up a collection of "oh, this is gonna take a while" books. which leads into..

cat the fourth

couple days ago we brought in a new cat - mom's named him barnaby, after the detective in midsomer murders. he'd been visiting for a couple months, from checking our porch camera. we made friends a couple weeks ago and he started demanding to come indoors

he definitely had to be someone's cat at some point. he's medium hair and has some nearly matted fur, and his tail is frizzy as hell, but the rest of him is pretty clean. he's already been neutered and knew immediately how to use the litterbox. my best guesses are that he was dumped (unfortunately common out here in the sticks), or his owner moved out of the apartments and couldn't take him with them so they just left him loose outside. both options are extremely shitty.

i also kind of worry someone has been mean to him in the past, because he's got a weird bump on his one hip that he doesn't really like if i touch it, and he really doesn't like to jump if he can help it. he prefers to clamber and climb, which is fascinating to watch. he also likes to attack my feet if i bump him (which is very easy to do since he likes to run in front of your legs), and he's very fearful of the claw trimmers, but he did let me clip a few and i got the rest when he fell asleep in my lap.

i don't really know how old he is. i'm guessing about a year? but we'll have to wait until we can get him to the vet for them to make a better guess

he and the boys warmed up fairly quickly to each other - probably helped that i've been letting them sniff my hand after i pet one of them, and they can see each other through the windows on the door. the boys are still nervous around him, especially caine, but they're starting to relax a bit. i still keep them separated when i'm not home, because mom's not able to intervene if anything does end up happening, but they're behaving well enough that i don't have to keep them separated while i'm sleeping now.

i think this is our hard limit for cats in this apartment. four feels a lil bit crowded, lol. but he's a good kid and i'm glad i can give him a safe place to be now.

stuff that i would like to do but don't know when i'm gonna get to it

not entirely limited to website stuff, just, stuff in general i wanna do but haven't had the spare time or energy to work on:

the kinzart website. it's there. it's a good way towards being presentable. the last chunks of work i need to do are some styling (shouldn't take long) and getting the avatar pages set up (not difficult, because they're all mostly typed out and ready to go, but there's like 100 of them so it's tedious).

there are a few rimworld mods i want to make. one of them is relatively straightforward but i don't know how to make an apparel item negate the effects of a gene. i'm sure it can be done, i just gotta find a mod that does it and see how it works.

i'd like to make some little props and toys for vrchat. just little silly things, nothing special. i'd also like to try and re-zoop the rigging for some clothes and such for other avs to fit the khnfucat.

i've got more 88x31 buttons and i would like to add them in here. i'm gonna probably split them on the links page between "things that link to other people" and "just for fun". i'd also like to set up a thing that cycles between a selected set of buttons; i.e. a little button space at the bottom of the page where each page load gives you a new button, from a specific predefined set. this is doable with some javascript, i just gotta. you know. do it.

edit: i forgot about this until after i published this and went on a wild goose chase to fix an rss hiccup (title too long. weird). but: also want to add a page to the site that's just about my fursona. especially since i took some pics in vrchat that make really good meme templates and i wanna share them and make more sometime

where to find me in between site updates

i'm primarily on fedi: https://critter.cafe/@blaurascon

my public posts and boosts are bridged over to bsky, but i don't usually make public posts. so it's mostly just boosts from other folks who are bridged.

i'm backing off from most other places where i was active. not that it was many places, mind, but i very much need to withdraw my social availability to try and recover from the burnout a bit. giving myself some more control, if that makes sense.

ok byeeeee